Jokes and funny things.

Rogues Gallery of laughers

                                                             

                                                   



 

Naughty Naughty.

A bloke went into a barber shop and sees a few men waiting, he asks the barber how long would he have to wait for a haircut.

The barber said "3 hours." The would be customer went away.

Two days later the same person went to the same barbers and asked the same question.

The barber said "2 hours."

Two more days past and the same guy went into the barbers again and asked him how long he would have to wait for a haircut.

"Only 1 hour mate" said the barber.

Off he went in a hurry.

The curious barber asked his assistant to go and follow him and report back
The assistant soon came back.

"Well where did he go?" asked the barber.

The boy looked up at his boss and said "To your house."


A tale of four worms.

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar full of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar full of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar full of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar full of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- died.
The second worm in the cigarette smoke --- died.
The third worm in the sperm --- died.
The fourth worm in the soil --- was alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."


Beaver's in the Wind.

Three ladies and three gentlemen playing golf.

The English gentleman's wife bends over to place her golf ball on the tee, a gust of wind blows her skirt above her waist, revealing her bare buttocks. "Good god says the Englishman, why are you not wearing knickers." "well you do not give me enough housekeeping money to buy any." The Englishman opened his wallet and gets  2 quid out. "Here for the sake of decency go buy yourself some underwear."  The lady smiled and took her shot.

Then the Irish gentleman's wife bent over to place her ball onto the tee and a gust of wind blew her dress high above her waist, revealing that she also was wearing no knickers. "Bay Jaybour's woman, I can see what I had for breakfast, why have you not got any knickers on."  "I cannot afford any with the money you give me each week".  The Irish gentleman opened his purse and gave the woman 3 quid. "Here for the sake of common decency, get yourself a couple of pair's of undie's and make sure you put them on." The lady smiled and took her shot.

Then the Scottish gentleman's wife bent over to put her ball on the tee, a gust of wind also blew her skirt high above her waist revealing her nakedness. "och hi the noo Woman, the beavers out of the lodge, why hav ye not got yer drawers on" "ya dinna give me enough money ta buy underclothes" "well ba Jasus in the name of decency, here's a comb, tidy yaself up a bit."


Two lad's talking in garden.

One lad say's to the other "I wonder what debt is"

"I do not know" say's the other lad "but your dad is over there in the garage go ask him".

So he runs into garage shouting "dad dad what is Debt?

"Debt son" "Debt bloody Debt" "I'll tell you what Debt is" "that car there that's Debt, that lawnmower there that's debt, them tool's are all debt I am fed up to the back teeth of Debt". "Go ask your mum what Debt is". He runs into house shouting "Mum Mum what's Debt?

"Debt son" "Debt Horrible Debt", "I'll tell you what Debt is, that washer over there that's Debt, that vacuum cleaner over there that's Debt" "the whole house is full of Ghastly Debt, I am sick of it".

So the lad goes back to his mate and say's "your better off not knowing what Debt is".

The lad goes to bed but wakes up about midnight to go to toilet. He passes his mum and dad's bedroom and hears funny noises coming from it, he puts his ear to the door and hears moaning and groaning and his mum says "I am coming" "I am coming". He then hears his dad say "I am coming" "I am coming". So he opens door and shouts "I am coming as well you are not leaving me with all this  Debt". 


Superman and Batman.

Superman and batman were talking to each other outside the Red Lion pub.

Superman says, "you know Batman" "me and you have not been for a drink for years lets go to Red Lion on Friday night". Batman says, "that is a good idea I'll meet you at 7.30 pm on the dot".

Friday night comes and Batman is outside the Red lion at 7.25 pm but no sign of Superman so he hangs on for a while but there is still no sign of him at 7.35 pm, so he says to himself if he is not here at 7.45 pm I will go into the pub on my own. Anyway 7.45 pm comes and Superman is still not in sight. Bugger it I am going in the pub he says to himself. Just as he is about to open the door he hears an almighty Whoosh behind him and there stands Superman. "Where have you been" shouted Batman? "I have been here ages waiting for you". "Batman I am sorry but you wont believe what happened to me on the way here, I was flying at 3000 feet going over hyde park and I saw Wonder Woman in the park lying on her back with her legs wide open, I could not resist the temptation, I flew straight down and John Thomas went straight in". [Batman was laughing]. "I bet she was surprised Superman". "Yes she was but not half as surprised as The Invisible Man".


Fact

God above is good and fair

He gave some brains and he gave some hair  Perisher 


 Ralf "what is the difference between a Camera and a Sock?

"I do not know Albert". 

"Well Ralf" "a Camera takes photoes" " but a Sock takes fivetoes".


Perisher "what is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

Salteena "I do not know Perisher"

Perisher "well Salteena you can unscrew a lightbulb"


Some of our friends went to Marineland. and came face to face with some beautiful dolphins, the dolphins were very well looked after and in excellent health. Pictures were taken of the dolphins at the side of people.

A Beautiful dolphin.

They were given the picture with a leaflet explaining the work of the sea lion and dolphin encounter program.

Underneath is a paragraph printed in the brochure.

Human beans???

No further Comment will be made by us, apart from what is a Human Bean?.


Tired..

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